May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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