i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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