If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
