My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
