i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
