i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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