I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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