she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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