Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
