Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
now i know why i became what i already was.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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