I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
