you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
