sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
