You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
