I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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