I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my being single is dangerous.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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