I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
