I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I cut my penus on the lid.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
