My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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