I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize