yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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