I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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