the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
