I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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