I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
