Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It's Friday. Sex?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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