Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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