New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
