My first STD was from a foam party
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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