she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
