My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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