i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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