ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
