Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
