It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
