if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
