My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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