There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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