I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
