woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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