if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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