Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
