I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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