Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
