peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
