Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize