I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
