I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
