I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
