You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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