on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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