I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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