OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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