The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
