life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
MIDGETS
????
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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