Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
