I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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