So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
