guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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