Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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