Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize