Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
